Dear Reader,

Reader = Friend, maybe family or anyone silly enough to stumble on this page and not leave immediately

Welcome to my blog!

First of all, I'd like to thank you to coming to my production of "Not Your All-American College Kid," written, directed and performed by yours truly, Calen Winn aka thepanthespian aka Puck aka Pan-cake.

Before we begin, I have a few reminders. Please silence, not just set to vibrate as this is an intimate space, your cellphones, pagers, watches, and anything else that might beep, squawk, or otherwise make noise, including small children. Also, please remember to be courteous and kind to the performers and your fellow audience members, profanity is allowed, but please keep all comments civil and constructive.

Finally, anything new I write will appear as a blog post, but make sure to check out my "Pre-Blog Writings" pages, linked in the sidebar, which may grow as I discover more old writing worthy of posting.

Now, sit back, and enjoy "Not Your All-American College Kid" by Calen Winn

Beat-inspired Writings



This page contains writing from the Beat poetry section of my high school American Lit class.  The first 9 poems were assignments where we were charged with writing beat-style pieces inspired by pieces we read in class.  The last two are complete originals, written during the "Beat Coffeehouse day" where we all shared our poetry, drank coffee, and had a blast.  I have, as best as I could, credited the inspirations for each piece.  Titles o songs that I incorporated are in quotes, titles of poems or prose are not.


Techniques for Life (Beat #1)
Inspired by Technique for Modern Prose by Jack Kerouac

submissive to everything, open, listening
never say no
identities not labels
theirs not yours
…yours too
only you can know
only they can know
know yourself
ask everyone
listen, don’t project
live life
don’t judge
be fake
recognize fakeness and kill it
be real
see reality and embrace it
no day but today
I live each moment as my last
words to live by
don’t think, say
think about what you say
censor not
just don’t harm
fragile
words are worse than sticks and stones
you have to pick those up
words just explode
censor not your truth
only,
tread carefully on the hearts of others

hearts are sensitive
we learn that at a young age
we learn that feeling
that sensation
of the heart cutting itself open
but we go through the world oblivious
not really seeing our actions
making hearts bleed
hurt so much they burst
raw emotions flooding through a whole body
we don’t see the floodgates open
but we see the people drown
so overwhelmed by their own hurt
they give in
lose themselves in the fog
then, when they’re lost in the fog
that’s when we see them,
that’s when we try to help…
but it’s too late
we already made their heart burst


pop




Today (Beat #2)
Inspired by/Patterned after an unknown beat writing

Today is Tuesday, May 13, 2008.  My life is beginning again, like it does everyday.  New things I learn mean new directions, goals, and methods for life.  Why be constrained by yesterday.  Tomorrow, again I will learn e things and change again.
            But the beauty of today is that it was preceded by yesterday, and all the yesterdays of my life, and those who came before me.  Although today will change my point of view, it won’t do so completely, because all the yesterdays have already informed who I am and what I do.
            Yes, each day, life begins again, but that life is not independent.  I already know that theatre is life and therapy, but today I may modify that belief, but it probably won’t change completely overnight.  And so we beat on, forging ahead to some unforeseeably, unknowable landing on the staircase of life, taking in their time all the corners life throws at us. 




American Haiku (Beat #3)
Inspired by American Haiku by Jack Kerouac

marquees light up quick
stage doors open and close
Broadway’s on it’s way

tears flow free and hard
mind expands, the world makes sense
where was I hiding?

rainbows everywhere
friends coming home again for now
friendship will save us

meaning discovered
our discussions are lively
uncovering life

psychedelic eyes
magic music tells stories
history through new eyes




Road Trip (Beat #4)
Inspired by/patterned after On the Road By Jack Kerouac, with excerpts from Leavin' on a Jet Plane by John Denver, "Up Above My Head" a camp song, "Toast" another camp song, "La Vie Boheme" by Jonathan Larson, "If You Were Gay" by Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx, and "The Rooster Song" a third camp song

We’re “leavin’ on a jet plane,” except it’s a bus.  Lots of tears, lots of hugs.  Repeat.  Finally, on the bus.  “Up above my head, I hear crying in the air.” The counselors stage a lay-in.  They get up.  We’re off.  The songs begin.  All across the nation coast to coast.  525,600 minutes.  don’t know when I’ll be back again.  For a week, we’ve lived together.  I didn’t know a week could bond you so much.  Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say, that I was gay.  But I’m not gay. NOT.  I don’t wanna go home.  no one does.  Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage, Lenny Bruce, Langston Hughes.  Actual Reality, ACT UP FIGHT AIDS.  Oh god, I’m falling, and he’s going back to San Francisco.  OK, get as many hugs as possible.  We’re having sex now, we never used to, until that rooster came into my yard. Blalalalalah.  We’re there.  Hi Mom, I don’t want to talk right now.  I’ll come find you when I’m ready.  Bye.  Love ya.  See ya next year.  Hi Mom, I am applying for Junior Counselor next year. 




I Demand (Beat #5)
Inspired by/Patterned after an unknown beat poem

I demand that the world leave me alone
I want to be free
            to live
            to act
            to love
            to speak out
I demand autonomy

World, you be yourself
and I’ll be mine
We don’t have to butt in on each other
            let’s live
            let’s love
            let’s speak out
We can coexist

Everyone can be themselves too
living how they want to
Believing what they want to
            they’ll live
            they’ll love
Life will be good!


America (Beat #6)
Inspired by/Patterned after America by Allen Ginsberg

America, I am you, but you are not me
America, I am shaped by you, but you are not shaped by me
America, When did this happen?
When did you forget to be of the people, by the people and for the people?
When did you turn yourself into a hypocrite?
Why can’t I be me without you getting uptight?
I wanna read
I wanna be me
I wanna read about people like me
I wanna talk
Say fuck if I wanna
Say fuck this place that hates me for me
Fuck you with your “all men are created equal”
Maybe Lincoln had it wrong,
maybe a house divided won’t fall
‘cause I sure as hell ain’t standin’ with you right now,
and you’re
still…
still…
      still…
                        standing
You’re still standing?
fuck, I’m still standing
I been standing for seven years
yeah, I’m really horny
ahh, the wonders of testosterone
not only can it make me horny
it can make my friends feel more like men
America,
why do they have to take testosterone to feel like men
why do we fuck with the image of man
why do they have to take drugs to be treated as men
ah fuck, I’m done asking questions
I’m done complaining
it’s time to get up and get going
no, not get up like that, silly
get up as in get up, stand up
‘cause I’m still standing
and I’m gonna stand up for my rights.





Broadway (Beat # 7)
Inspired by/Patterned after A Supermarket in California by Walt Whitman, "Why" by Jonathan Larson, and "You Won't Succeed on Broadway" by Eric Idle

What thoughts I have of you tonight, Jonathan Larson, for I took a trip, as I often do, to that place called Broadway
It’s a very special place, filled with very special people.  People who need people.
But as I walked through this mass of people needing people, I sensed you, one who needs a piano more than people.
I found you and sang to you, sang with you.  And soon our voices blended, and people needed us.
They needed to hear us.  When we came out of Bm and A, marquees and Broadway stars lined the streets on our way.
And I said, “Hey, what a way to spend a night.  I know that I wan’t this life, alright.”








Howl (Beat #8)
Inspired by/Patterned after Howl by Allen Ginsberg

I saw the young minds of my generations numbed by our culture…
Intelligent people with perfect objective reasoning wandering through life without getting passionate about anything
Who, mindless, watch TV and movies, unaffected by their violence
Who have been trained by those same, and other medias, that sex is special, but not sacred
Who have been repressed out of their sensuality
Who cry out, in voices only they can hear, for help, without the communication skills to actually ask for it
Who have lived with war for their whole teenagehood and consider it normal, if not right
Who pass through school with their nose to the grindstone and eyes to the future, never stopping to educate themselves
Who choose friends and enemies based on adherence to social norms or lack thereof
Who therefore, lost too many critical friends and interactions, making their lives a little poorer
Who lived as if today was their last, but neglected to live as if they’d live forever
Who greedily bought and bought from department store and grocery store shelves without thinking of the discrepancy of wealth they are feeding
Who didn’t realize, until it was too late, that the culture they inherited was killing their planet.
Who became sexualized by age 12, but never became sensualized
Who don’t know what it is to truly be comfortable with your own body, and with others
Who fought their elders, without realizing the wisdom of those elders
Who sought their own wisdom, but didn’t know where to look
Who mistook media for wisdom, only because it was what they knew
Who later realized this mistake, but found it was too late to change it
Who were told that school was education and knowledge was wisdom
Who rejected school, but never sought their own education
Who sought wisdom, but never even found knowledge
Who, crazy to live, killed themselves, experiencing joy rides, drugs, and pain
Who, time knows, will howl in anguish one day at their lost opportunities to feel




History of the Queer in the Western World (Beat #9)
Inspired by/Patterned after History of the Airplane by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Queers throughout history
too many to name
yet they never get named
Alexander the Great, the Bard
Da Vinci and Michelangelo
Whitman, Wilde, Cather, Woolf
Isherwood, Williams, Ginsberg
The list goes on…

and in Ancient Greece the celebrated it
Spartan men fought to impress lovers
older men educated younger
and Sappho wrote of women

and in Rome they revered it
some intending marriage just for children
but loving another of the same sex

and the church condemned it
it produced no new members
it was not as simple
so, it was not natural

and the Native Americans honored it
trans indians were wise
they made great wives
they were spiritual leaders
they called them two-spirit

and the Brits weren’t so wilde about buggery
Wilde got sent to trial and lost his life

and then there was the 20th Century
Weimar Republic respected the queers
Hitler didn’t
America hated queers
unless they were necessary in other ways
even then, they were only tolerated

and then there was Harry Hay
a red pink, a commie queer
without full comprehension
he still saw a problem

and then the protests started
quiet at first, proper attire, “respectable”
please tolerate us

and then there was Stonewall
“We will not be kept quiet”
the movement gets noisy

and the movement squabbled
who, what, why and how
schisms ruined the effort

and the gay plague reunited it
Actual Reality, ACT UP, FIGHT AIDS

and rights didn’t retake center stage for ten years
then we got the Clintons
we got Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
a compromise, but a step forward

and the resistance was organized
family values preventing families
using one line out of thousands
turning a book of love into a book of hate

and the decisions are split
state by state, laws vary
some protect from discrimination, some don’t
some ban queer adoption, some don’t
some offer civil unions, some don’t
two offer state marriage, 48 don’t
D.C. offers nothing

and the community is changing
out of the nightclub into the house
out as a teen, not just an adult
more freedom, less self-hatred

living life
not quite free of strife
doing and saying what know is best for us

knowing only our own truth 




Equality (Beat #10)

my equality, where is it?
why did it disappear when I acknowledged me?
who stole it?
what made them take it?
I want it back

are they scared of me?
how does my equality threaten them?
it’s my inequality that should scare them
that’s what makes me mad

 Kerouac once said:
“the only people for me are the mad ones,”
well I’m mad
I’m mad at the world
I’m mad for the world
mad to live in it
mad to love it
mad to run full speed ahead through it

hell, I’m mad because of it
I was once sane as could be
according to me
but the world said
“no, you’re not normal,
you must be crazy”

no madhouse for me
just a virtual one

they built the walls around me
even if I can’t see them
but I feel them
when I hit them
when my body hits them,
my fist hits them
I’m so mad
and just for a moment
I break through
but then they rebuild the wall
a little farther out
but it’s still there
it makes me so mad





The Island (Beat #11)

Community,
you know everyone
they take care of you
they nurture you
help you develop you essence

but what if you want to redefine that essence
will they accept that change
wh knows
they say they do
then you wake up
this place is tiny
to constricting

time to get out

but I still want knowledge
too many great minds
I’ll stay and listen to them
but then I’m gone
got to see some other world

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