Narcissism

In an ironic move, I'm posting a blog about not wanting to blog for fear of being narcissistic.  How narcissistic can you get.


I am a selfish person in my head.  I admit that readily and freely, but try not to let it take over my actions.  Our society has an aversion to people tooting their own horn too much.  Granted, with the rise of Facebook, Twitter,  blogging, Plurk, and other such social update websites, that has begun to shift, but in non-virtual life, there is still a definite culture of preference for being humble.


Last night, I started this blog in the interest of sharing my creative writing work in a format that was in-line with modern social interaction.  Now, as I consider the rarity of my moments of inspiration that seed creative endeavors, I am faced with the choice to either let the blog remain stagnant for long periods of time, or blog about my everyday life.  Option #1 is no good, because I have a history of starting accounts on websites, then never using them, and I want to remember, and keep using, this blog.  Option #2 isn't any different than at least 50% of the blogs in the blogosphere, but still makes me a little queasy for the reasons stated above.


Being an actor, I am expected to be, and don't mind being, a bit narcissistic under certain circumstances.  One of the many things I love about live theatre, and one of the reasons I don't want to do film, is the audience-performer dialectic, and the applause.  But even when I perform poetry or music at open mics, where I am actually "playing myself" and feel much more vulnerable, I still feel as though it's my artistic talent, or my deepest feelings which are on display, not just plain old me.  And the thought of putting plain old me on display for the world is scary.


I am so afraid of being judged badly, despite rarely showing it in my acting life, and putting plain old me on display opens me up to judgement for both who I am, and for being narcissistic.  But, I'm writing this, which is just as self-absorbed, if not more, than an account of my daily life, so I guess I'm not that afraid, because, after all I Am What I Am, and so what if I talk about myself, you don't have to read this.


I don't have any answers, really, but I guess, in a way, this post is my answer.  I suppose that occasionally I'll post updates about big events in my day-to-day life, and I know that, every once in a while, I'll do posts like this, fleshing out my ideas on a philosophical/moral issue of my life. And of course, when the inspiration strikes, I'll post my creative work.


cue curtain call music





Performer takes a bow!